The Rambam (Rabbi Moshe Maimonides, Spain-Egypt, 1135-1204), in his Hilchot Teshuba (2:9), rules that one cannot earn atonement for offenses committed against his fellow without asking him for forgiveness. Even if one confesses and repents before God and prays for forgiveness, and even if he performs Teshuba (repentance) on Yom Kippur, he cannot earn atonement without seeking reconciliation with the person whom he had wronged. If he had caused the person damage or stole money from him, he must return the funds in question, and also ask the victim for forgiveness. The Rambam emphasizes that one must ask for forgiveness even if he did not cause any financial harm, but merely insulted or slandered a person, or wronged him in some way without affecting him monetarily.
The Rambam proceeds to present the guidelines for someone who asked the victim for forgiveness but his request was refused. He writes that in such a case, the offender must bring a group of three friends to apply pressure on the victim and petition him to grant forgiveness. If he still refuses, the offender should bring yet another group of three friends, and then a third, if necessary. If the victim still refuses to forgive after being approached by three groups of the offender’s friends, then the offender is forgiven despite the victim’s refusal to forgive. The Rambam writes that in such a case, it is the victim, and not the offender, who has committed the sin, in light of the offender’s sincere efforts to receive forgiveness. The exception to this rule, the Rambam adds, is a case where a person wronged his Rabbi, in which case he must continue to ask his Rabbi for forgiveness, regardless of how many times the Rabbi refuses.
The Rambam then discusses the obligation for victims to be forgiving. It is forbidden, he writes, to act cruelly and refuse to grant forgiveness when approached by the offender. One should be slow to anger and quick to forgive, and when one grants forgiveness, he should do so sincerely and wholeheartedly, without any lingering feelings of resentment. It is characteristic of the Jewish people, the Rambam writes, to easily grant forgiveness rather than bear grudges and seek revenge against those whom have wronged us. This is contrast to other peoples, who are not appeased until they exact revenge. The Rambam notes the example of the Gibonim, who did not forgive King Shaul for the wrongs he committed against them even after his death, and they demanded the execution and hanging of seven of Shaul’s descendants. The verse emphasizes in this context (Shemuel II 21:2) that the Gibonim were not Jewish, indicating that their demand was uncharacteristic of Jews, who are to act kindly, compassionately and forgivingly.
The Rambam rules that if a person wronged somebody who had since passed away, he must bring ten people to the victim’s grave and publicly confess his wrongdoing. If he owes the victim money, he must pay the sum in question to the inheritors. If he does not know where to find the victim’s inheritors, then he should bring the money to Bet Din and declare confession in their presence.
Summary: A person who wronged his fellow does not earn atonement for his sin without asking forgiveness and paying any funds that he owes. He must seek reconciliation in addition to the requirements of confession and repentance that apply in any instance of sin. A person who is approached by somebody who wronged him asking for forgiveness should be compassionate and grant forgiveness wholeheartedly. A victim who stubbornly refuses to forgive after the offender sincerely asked for forgiveness is considered a sinner.
