The Shulhan Aruch (Eben Ha’ezer 20p; listen to audio recording for precise citation) writes that hugging, kissing or any other form of affectionate physical contact with a member of the opposite gender with whom relations are forbidden constitutes a Torah violation. In the times when Bet Din was authorized to administer corporal punishment, this sin was punishable by Malkot (lashes).
The Shulhan Aruch then proceeds to write that people must ensure to keep a distance from members of the opposite gender because of the innate attraction that could very easily lead a person to sin. When it comes to a Torah prohibition that is so difficult to avoid because of the strong temptation that exists, it is critical to set up extra "fences" to guard oneself from these violations. Regarding some Torah laws, people do not experience any particular desire to violate the law, and there is thus no need to keep a safe a distance. To take one extreme example, we do not have to enact special safeguards to protect against the consumption of blood, which the Torah strictly forbids. People do not feel any innate desire to consume blood, and we therefore have no need for extra safeguards. When it comes to forbidden relations, however, all people feel a natural inclination to violate these laws, thus necessitating extra diligence and safeguards to protect against these transgressions.
The Gemara comments that "most [sinners] are guilty of theft, but only a minority are guilty of Arayot [sexual offenses]." This should not be taken as a source for relaxing our standards of separation between the genders. For one thing, it may not necessarily be true that nowadays only a minority of sinners are guilty of these kinds of misdeeds. Furthermore, even if this is true in our day, it is clear that if a person had gotten involved in forbidden relations, it is very difficult to repent. Illicit behavior of this kind is terribly addictive, and it is therefore critical to erect "fences" for the benefit of those who have stumbled and require extra strength and resolve to repent and refrain from continued involvement in such activity.
The Shulhan Aruch specifies several activities that are forbidden due to the requirement to keep a safe distance from forbidden relationships. He writes that a man may not wink at a woman (this would also include whistling to get a woman’s attention), or make any other flirtatious gesture, or speak to a woman in a flirtatious manner. It is also forbidden to gaze at a woman’s beauty or to deliberately smell the perfume on her body.
It is, however, permissible, and in fact obligatory, for a man to look at a woman if he is considering her for marriage. The Sages forbade marrying a woman before looking at her, because he might otherwise find his wife unpleasing after marrying her, and dislike her, in violation of the obligation "Love your fellow as yourself." They therefore required one to carefully look at a woman he is considering marrying, to ensure that he finds her pleasing. Thus, it is clearly permissible to date for the purpose of marriage.
Interestingly enough, however, the Aruch Ha’shulhan (Rav Yehiel Michel Epstein of Nevarduk, 1829-1908) writes (listen to audio recording for precise citation) that even when dating a woman for the purpose of marriage, one should not gaze at her excessively. He cites the Gemara’s comment in Masechet Baba Batra that when a Torah scholar goes to betroth a woman, he should take an Am Ha’aretz (ignorant layman) with him. The reason, the Gemara explains, is that even when considering a woman for marriage, a Torah scholar does not look very carefully. He should therefore bring an Am Ha’aretz along with him to ensure that he betroths the woman he intends to marry. This demonstrates that even when looking at a woman for the purpose of considering marriage, there is a limit to the extent of permissible looking.
Unfortunately, in modern society, many couples conduct themselves during their courtship and engagement as though they are married. This is improper and forbidden according to Halacha. Even when dating, a man and woman must keep a distance – and this includes avoiding all physical contact as well as generally limiting the closeness of their relationship.
These guidelines may sound extreme to some, but we need only to look around us in contemporary society to recognize the importance of setting strict safeguards against illicit behavior. So many otherwise prominent and distinguished figures have seen their careers and reputations torn asunder due to their inability to exercise control and restraint in this area. No person can say that he has his passions under control and therefore does not need to comply with Halacha’s guidelines regarding interaction with the opposite gender. Particularly in a permissive society that shuns and abhors restrictions in the area of intimacy, we must approach this area with extra care and vigilance to ensure that we avoid inappropriate behavior.
