Rav Natan Gestetner (rabbi in Bnei Brak who passed away just now in the end of November), in his work of responsa Le’horot Natan (vol. 5, 53), writes that the obligation of Kibbud Ab Va’em (honoring parents) includes phoning them and writing to them to inquire into their wellbeing. He adds that one should not ask the parents to pay for the postage or phone bill of one’s letters or calls. Although Halacha indeed establishes that one is entitled to remuneration for expenses incurred while honoring parents, this applies only to significant expenses, such as if a child buys food, medications or other supplies for his parents. It would be disrespectful, however, to ask one’s parents to pay for phone calls and letters.
The obligation of Kibbud Ab Va’em also includes paying visits to one’s parents. Here, too, one may not demand remuneration for travel expenses, such as airfare. There are cheaper, albeit less convenient, methods of traveling, and thus one’s decision to travel by plane is based on personal convenience and comfort, not the needs of the parents. He may therefore not demand that his parents cover the cost of his flight.
Many commentators raised the question of why Yosef failed to fulfill this Misva during his years in Egypt. Why did he never mail a letter to his aged and grieving father, Yaakob, to inform him that he is well? Certainly, Yosef was a righteous Sadik who honored his father. Why, then, did he never write home?
Several different answers have been suggested. One answer is that when the brothers sold Yosef into slavery, they declared an excommunication upon anyone who would inform Yaakob of what happened. The Sages teach that God Himself, as it were, was included in this ban, as was Yishak, Yaakob’s father, who was aware of Yosef’s sale. Yosef thus had no choice but to withhold this information, and did not contact his father.
Others claim that Yosef did not contact Yaakob because he feared that the thought of his beloved son living in Egypt – be it as a slave, a prison inmate, or even the nation’s vizier – would cause Yaakob more distress than the thought of him being dead. Yaakob would have been grief-stricken by the knowledge that Yosef was living amidst a corrupt society, where he would likely assimilate, and Yosef therefore preferred not contacting his father.
Another answer is that Yosef was concerned about his brothers’ reaction if Yaakob would hear of what happened. The brothers would likely flee from Yaakob out of shame. Yosef did not want the family to fall apart, and therefore decided to wait and contact his father only later.
Finally, the Ramban (Rabbi Moshe Nahmanides, Spain, 1194-1270) writes in his Torah commentary that Yosef’s dreams of his family bowing to him had the status of prophecies, and he felt obligated to ensure their realization. He did not want to do anything that could impede the fulfillment of these dreams, and he therefore did not contact his father, and instead waited for the situation to present itself where the dreams could be realized.
Summary: It is an obligation to regularly visit and correspond with one’s parents, and one should not ask his parents to compensate him for the expenses entailed.
